To Forgive is Necessary but Should we Forget?
Sometimes people hurt us deliberately. Often times it is not deliberate but they may still have wounded us in some way. Forgiving can be a difficult process to work through.
In the beginning we often sit around and wonder WHY. Or how COULD they do that to me? It can eat away at your heart, your mind and your soul. While forgiving someone can be difficult, I have long believed it is an act done for US more then for THEM.
It releases us and sets us free to stop thinking about a sad and hurtful situation-AND the person that created it. But I have long wondered (and still do at times) if we should FORGET. If we all have lessons to learn in this life then the act of Forgetting may well make us forget the lesson-and we are bound to repeat it.
In 1994 I believed I would not be able to practice Feng Shui for quite a while. I worried so much about my business and was seeking just the RIGHT person who I felt would be mindful and able to learn all that was necessary to benefit clients.
I thought I had. She was actually a former client of MINE that I had remained friends with. I knew her to be a kind, caring, empathetic person who believed fully in Feng Shui and followed it's principles.
THERE WAS NO DEAL IN WRITING. My Mistake. After spending extensive hours with her teaching her and bringing her on Feng Shui Consultations with me, we both felt she was ready. The "spoken" agreement we had was that she would take care of the business and handle it while I was unable to work. She would not practice Feng Shui within 30 miles of my location when I resumed working.
I paid to add her to my website and just before I had the contact information changed, I got a request to speak for a rather large, prestigious group in a Corporation. Although I wanted to do the job, I felt it wasn't right. I gave it to her and she got resulting work from it---MUCH WORK.
I realized after a short time that she appeared to love the business and I told her that if I were to take it back, she was welcome to stay on. We could split the work and would both retain our bios and pictures on the site.
Just two months later, I received a very confusing email. It was from another local Feng Shui Consultant asking what I was doing and why I had two IDENTICAL sites. I followed the link she sent to find that that my "partner" had developed her OWN website; and she had copied MINE literally word for word.
I was sick at heart. She didn't tell me anything about HER site, she was in the same areas and she had copied my site as if she couldn't figure out how to write up her OWN site. I have always worked so hard to protect my name and I felt it was being trashed.
She did not return my calls. I had her information removed from my site and emailed her to please write her own site. I recall that she changed a few words here and there but that was all.
I was crushed that someone I trusted SO MUCH would do this to me. I realized at that time that some perfectly GOOD people change (sometimes drastically) when MONEY was involved.
It took me almost a year to forgive her. I remember writing her an email telling her that I did and wishing her well-and Meaning it. And a curt response back.
When I went to check her site about a year later, it was gone....completely vanished. I've never heard from her or about her again.
I do believe to forgive someone but I don't believe we should FORGET the valuable lessons that usually come about during some very difficult times. I do FORGIVE for MYSELF but I no longer FORGET. What about you?
THE FENG SHUI VOICE
**Carole Provenzale has been a New York Feng Shui Consultant since 1997 and is the Founder of Feng Shui Long Island & New York. On Site Feng Shui Consultations provided for New York City (Manhattan), Queens and all of Long Island for Homes, Apartments, Businesses, Corporations, Renovations and New Construction. FengShuiLI@aol.com
Honestly Carole, there are many times that I find it difficult to even forgive, let alone forget. I don't think that I do forget most things as I don't want to lose the lesson as you said. Oddly enough though, change the person and put me in a similar situation and I still want to give them the benefit of doubt. I am realizing that sometimes forgiving means forgiving yourself for trusting. Sad but true as I learned with my little parking lot accident!
I am so sorry to hear that someone took advantage of your generosity. That is one of the things that bothers me most. I am glad that you were obviously able to save your company and name and continue to thrive.
Carole - I am so sorry that you were taken advantage of this way by someone who you had given your trust to. I am right now dealing with a situation where I am finding it so hard to forgive and forget with someone I love very much. I want to be able to forgive and forget but it is so difficult and painful sometimes when you are hurt that deeply.
Hi Carole! I've had similar experiences with a partner and a team and you know, I very quickly forgave--that's just what we MUST do to avoid self-destruction! But, forgetting will probably not happen until I have dementia--we learn from our mistakes and forgetting would lead us to make the same mistakes twice! Having a written contract is of utmost importance in business and I learned that same lesson that you did. HOWEVER, I have to say, you and I are the ones that are still standing--those who wronged us so badly are not! Not that I would want anyone to fail but, my explanation for that is simply, KARMA.
hMMM I was wondering the same thing myself just now actually.........its probably good to forgive sooner rather then later...but there is a whole grieving process you need to go through sometimes to get to that point.......forget? ...hmmm sometimes its easier then other times...........lessons learned......there are somethings you never forget.......
Carole - I am so sorry. Forgiveness is quite difficult for me because I am TOO loyal. I have had a very "close" friend, for many years, who I forgave over and over. I gave so many blunt warnings that the friendship was in danger to have tears & "I can't believe you'd say (or do) this." It finally had to come to the last straw, which was quite large, before I could finally let it be over. I give too many chances. I don't think I have a point! Just made me think of that situation. I have to say, though, these incidents always surprise me. I always expect the best of people and am surprised when they show another side.
Interesting story Carole. I agree with you on all points. Forgiving is for yourself and you move on. How can you really forget? Hypnotize you? You might think to forget is to eliminate the past, but you are not a doormat. The past is what it is. You just don't hang on to it with the forgiving part. In the Bible it says forgive 7 times 70, or always get to the point of forgiving, and sooner is better, but depending on the depth of the hurt that is not easy sometimes. I agree with Debe, that your niceness Karma won out in the end.
Hi Carole-I do forgive most things fairly quickly but I don't forget the lesson. I'm sorry that this happened to you. it is very sad when people you trust hurt you and let you down, So forgive for you and move on when you can in your own time. We are each different in that way. Nice to chat with you. :-)
When we are hurt by others we may forgive....and not forget....the mind stores those instances ...and the bottom line is that we forgive ourselves for beating ourselves up for others who mistreat us...use us etc. Then we move on. :) Life is strange...people are stranger :)
Carole - Wow ! That is one heck of a story. It really hurts when we are betrayed or back-stabbed. I like the way you say it, forgiveness is kind and beautiful. But I do believe it is important not to forget the lessons of what we learned.
Carole ~ It always seems to hurt more when you are taken advantage of by people you may think of as a friend. I tend to agree with the forgiving aspect, but I never forget. It is a lesson to carry forward, but sometimes those people stay in your life and it is best to know what they are capable of.
Carole: If you forget, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Letting go is important, but not forgetting is even more important. Now on to this "friend". She is gone because she is/was a bad person. You cannot practice Feng Shui with a bad heart. The Universe took care of her. She has probably moved on to drain someone else of vital information. Since she is incapable of inventing on her own, she must constantly find a "host". I'm glad she is out of your life.
It's like that old adage- Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. There's a limited amount of times you can forgive someone. I can't forget when someone hurts me or lies to me. It just makes me less trustful of them forever.
So sorry about your partnership. It's a lesson for us all.
Libby, I make excuses for people as much as I can because I don't want to believe they can do such terrible things. This seemed like pure greed. I don't think of her often anymore but I do think of the lesson.
Donna, I am SO sorry you are hurting. I sometimes think people do things and they can't even imagine how much it will hurt another. I know you're a strong person and am sure you will get through this....
Debe, I believe in Karma (I would have thought she would as well!). You're absolutely right, we ARE the ones still standing and doing well. I will always find it very sad what greed will do to a person.
Liz, Some things I don't WANT to forget, they provide the best lessons. It took me longer then I would have liked to forgive but I truly believe you do that for yourself.
Chris, I have given too many chances most of my life. People that hurt me and I would make excuses for them such as they didn't mean it. I don't do that often anymore, I try to see people for who and what they are and move on if I have to.
Gary, Forgiving at times certainly ISN'T easy but it can eat you alive if you allow it. I always know now I can't control what another does to me, only how I allow myself to respond. It took age, wisdom and a lot of "hurts" along the way. I guess it's like that for most people.
Hi Pat, The timing of forgiveness is different for everyone and every situration. But I want to remember, these are truly the times we learn the most and I don't like making the same mistake over and over.
Sally, You're so right, we have to forgive ourselves as well--FIRST! I kept thinking I should have known and seen it but maybe I didn't want to admit it to myself. But we've learned the lessons along the way.
Chris and Stephanie, I made my share of mistakes in that journey--but I do believe people change when money is involved. I think it makes them act in a way they never would have and I do believe that's what happened with her.
Kathy, If someone really, really hurts me now I will distance myself from them. It's more hurtful to be around them I think. I guess these are lessons we have all learned in one way or another.
Michelle, I know inside what you are saying is true, you CAN'T practice Feng Shui with a bad heart yet some of the stories I hear from my clients makes me wonder how some are practicing....I hate to say it but much of this beautiful art has become about the MONEY. And that saddens me SO much.
Linda, It took me a long time to learn exactly what you've said. Now I have no tolerance for lies for ANY reason. Then I will never know what the truth is.
Forgiveness is what we feel when we let go of intense anger and sadness at being abused. We can not forget because remembering all the lessons we have learned (Good and Bad) are what makes us into the people we are today. You are a wonderful person who learned a valuable lesson. She appears to have gone where her deceit lead her away from business and choose not to acknowledge you. Great reminder, Carole.
Thanks for sharing this thoughtful post. I think forgiveness is a beautiful gift we give ourselves -- it leaves us lighter, more joyful and able to move past the situation. That doesn't mean we shouldn't be wise or protect ourselves (in writing next time Carole!). Wishing you many blessing for your own personal honor and integrity -- in the end -- that is really what matters - not the money!
True, true, true! Forgive, but don't forget. I have also come to realize that the amount of time I spend seething over the "thing they did to me" is wasted, and likely not being shared on their end. The other party has moved on, not recognized what has happened and are not giving it another thought, while I stew in my own distress, causing myself stress that is harmful to, guess who? We live and learn, and pass it on...
Paddy, It was a difficult lesson and I'm sorry in a way that it affected the way I've run my business in not taking others on because of what happened. But my daughter is a wonderful Feng Shui Consultant and has been doing this so long that now she's out on her own and doing very well!
Margaret, In writing...I wonder if a contract would have been upheld or even if I would have had the money to fight it. I was very worried first about losing the good reputation I'd built but thankfully that didn't happen. It was a lesson....well learned!
Cheryl, I can usually forgive things quickly. I'm known for not being able to hold a grudge but this one took me a while, maybe because I felt so betrayed. We do forgive for ourselves, though and always feel so much better when we truly can "let it go."
carole- I agree. Forgive but not forget. My daughter says I am wrong in that respect, that I should do both. I say if I do both then the liklihood of being hurt again by someones deeds are greater. Forgiving heals me, forgetting heals them. they can do that themselves thank you.
Carole,
The curt response was very telling. She should be ashamed not curt to you.
It was guilt if you ask me. You were most generous and she took advantage.
The experience just made you a stronger person.
Hi Carole,
I'm sorry this happened to you. I think Sally put it perfectly....I no longer have great expectations of people and therefore I'm never shocked anymore when they don't live up to my expectations....because I don't have any! (((-:
People are all walking their own path and I don't believe we ever truly know a person, and often we don't even know ourselves. We're all imperfect beings and although it is very wrong to take advantage of and hurt others, I often feel some people just can't help themselves as they know no better. Or perhaps they are hurting deeply inside and are beyond considering other people....I guess I'll never figure it out.
Jo
Sad that had to happen to you. At the time things like this happen they are very hurtful -- and over time sometimes we learn there is a bigger picture than we were aware of . All the best.