I love it when you are able to be completely honest and open with someone; I am not one for "brushing things under the rug." There have been occasions where people have inadvertently hurt me or caused distress and in the past, I have let them know, lovingly, that while I'm sure they didn't mean to do it and it was completely unintentional, that this particular action DID hurt. It's in their reaction(s) to being completely honest that I have often run across the following:
Instant denial. They don't take a moment to think about what you might be saying no matter how delicately you mention it they immediately take it as a personal attack. And their reaction is to lash back at you, oftentimes with words that have absolutely nothing to do with the discussion at hand. Most of the time, after a Feng Shui Consultation, the TRUTH will present itself first.
If I have accidentally hurt anyone for any reason, I will always stop to consider and reflect on what they are saying. Perhaps I was too blunt about something I was thinking or just spoke too fast. In any case, I know ONE THING: I will not lash back (which is not to say that after careful reflection I won't stick to my original opinion) but I will always apologize for inadvertently hurting someone. I will be as direct and honest with them as they are with me so we can clear up any misunderstanding, get it out of the way and MOVE ON. I will not shoot back with an angry, defensive retort, I will Step Up to the Plate as far as my responsibility of the situation; even if they took something I said and it was somehow misconstrued, I will stop to explain what I meant---and why.
Lashing back at someone when they are being honest with you is not going to help ANY situation which may come up in ANY relationship, business or personal. If you've hurt someone in any way and they are honest enough to let you know, it means to me they care enough to work it out and give you an opportunity to explain what you may have meant and most of all, to apologize for it being taken the wrong way.
I have found that this policy of total honesty is what gives us the best foundation to move forward. When you are honest with someone and they lash back without taking any responsibility, they have forgotten a universal principle: IT TAKES TWO. And it tells me they are not interested in working anything out, they are ready to take it as a personal affront and go their own way. Something that shows me is if they're willing to take any of the responsibility and if they are at all interesting in saving the relationship.
The next time someone tells you something you don't particularly want to hear, step back for a few minutes (or overnight) and think of YOUR possible part in this problem. Step up to anything you may have inadvertently done wrong or that was misconstrued so they know what you meant and always admit that you did not mean to hurt or offend them in any way. Be as honest and direct with them as they are with you; it takes two to resolve differences and, let's be honest, if people really care about you they won't be so willing to just walk away.
OK, this is the second post I read tonight on this....must have missed a real doozy :) The other post one of the commenter's mentioned how "nice" people can really go after someone.....
Your Post has a different twist....and one I wish a few more people would read. But then of course if they need it, they will say "great post" wonderful words.....then tell everyone else they need it, but not internalize they need it too :) :)
Good Job Carole........
I have a friend and a lot of times I'm talking and she just cuts me off and starts talking about a completely different subject. A couple of times I interrupt back telling her that I was speaking first. She gets hurt but it seems that it didn't do any good to say anything because it already ruined "my moment" and it already told me she wasn't interested anyway.
With lashing back... hmm. Once in awhile my husband and I seem to create something...he says it's to clear the air because it was too clear..hahaha....as Katerina...I had the same problem....it's been nice the last couple of years...
What's that saying...the truth hurts. It's not supposed to is it?
Good morning Carole,
You spelled things out very clearly here (this could have been a wonderful entry in the honesty contest if you hadn't been a judge !) with regards to how people we love or trust and like can hurt us the most. We have more invested emotionally with these people and when they mistreat us and don't see it or don't apologize, it hurts on a very deep level.
I'm sorry you've been going through these trying times with some people in your life and I hope that all rights itself and that they eventually 'see' where they've been inconsiderate or unthoughtful and make amends.....good friendships are few and far between and it's a tragedy when they fall apart.
((-:
Jo
Carole - I knew I liked you for a reason!!! Everyone that knows me expects me to say what's on my mind. Sometimes I am not gentle about it, but I NEVER lash out. I have lost many friends over telling them how I feel and although it hurt at first, Feng Shui has taught me to release negative energy from my life. Being open about feelings and about other's feelings is key for a balanced life.
How do you do it? Everytime I read one of your posts, you make me think!!! thanks
Carole, an interesting post (as always). As an occasional toe stepper, and stepee, my respect for those that are able to (as you say) be honest and up front about it make it impossible NOT to rethink a position. For those that don't have the capacity to be honest, it is again as you suggest- a relationship that simply isn't workable. That's aok too, don't you think?
The hardest thing for one to do is to step back and ask, "How have I contributed to this problem?" Thanks for your insight.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, How Many Blogs are Too Many?, and for making a comment.
Carole-What a wonderful post. This touches close to my heart for sure. Just recently I had this situation arise. When I confronted the people who made a very out of the ordinary comment to me, rather than owning up to what they said, they insisted they didn't say what they did and basically denied it. I had to just walk away from it at that point because it was going no where and my energy couldn't afford it any longer. I know this is unrealistic, but I just wish people would be honest all the time. Even a little teeny lie is still a lie.
Nichole, Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment! Like everyone else, I love feedback.
Kathy, I'm sorry I missed the other one. This wasn't inspired by anything in AR, just my own thoughts from some things in my own life. I don't think you missed a thing! Thank you for your comment.
Candy, Thank you. Many people don't want to take a moment to see if your words have truth in them, not just with me but I believe with anyone.
Katerina, I thank you for sharing. In my opinion, you're a completely sensitive and open person and I just can't see you jumping to "attack" anyone! I also love Nestors' response.
Adam, I agree it is difficult to evaluate yourself but I honestly want to know if I have hurt someone and will stop to think about it; I don't attack. If I did or said anything inadvertently, I'm glad they told me, I certainly wouldn't want to repeat it. Thanks for your comment.
Sally, Your 'friend' sounds very self absorbed. That's unwarranted and misdirected anger at you for "ruining the moment." Maybe it DOES clear the air in your relationship and I'd much rather, if I had to, have an argument and get it over with then have it linger on. I don't do well around people that stay angry for any period of time. You've got it right, let it out and watch it leave! Love it.
Diane, I couldn't agree with you more. If you care about someone, you will listen to what they have to say and hope they will do the same for you. And do everything you can to retain the friendship. I truly believe people talk behind your back and do some other unkind things because they are either jealous or somehow threatened by you for their own reason. Those who badmouth others only make themselves look bad.
Jo, It IS a shame. In attempts to keep a "friendship" I sometimes find it has become a One-Way "friendship." They NEVER work, it gets exhausting and I've learned that lesson (the hard way:(
Ines, Thanks for your comment. It has been many difficult lessons to learn to let go but I AM honest with people because I don't know any other way to be. It is NEVER meant to be hurtful, it is meant to clear the air and express my feelings---and if the friendship is real, a person should let you do that.
Laurie, It is AOK but it does make me sad. You should be able to speak to someone and it's not that they have to see eye to eye, but you should be able to do it safely without fear of getting attacked for being honest. I see more people leave then stop to think and consider....
Dan, Good comment and I appreciate it. I don't find it that difficult to look at things through another person's eyes and try and see how something could have been misinterpreted. In any case, I NEVER mean to hurt and would want to let them know that at least.
Julie, I feel the same way. It almost sounds like you are referring to what I think of as a "snide remark" which is later denied. Perhaps we need all these things in our lives to make up re-evaulate who are real friends actually are. Thank you for your comment.
Carole...this post sounds like someone really hurt your feelings...not vice versa!
You are always so tactful I can't imagine anyone getting upset by anything you would say!
Joan, I sometimes wish I had more tact. I oftentimes just blurt out things without thinking and they can be misconstrued. I've been working on it for years :) Thank you for your comment.
Trace, Nice to see you back. I am guilty of the same thing at times and I need to remember the correct order: Think before you speak. Thanks for your comment.